


The Ass and the Load of Salt

by StellaRivers



Series: Garak's Fables [4]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Aesop's Fables - Freeform, Bad Stage Directions, Discussion of the Cardassian State, Discussions of Nudity, Fables - Freeform, Garak's Fables, Garak's freaky eyes, Garashir Lunch Dates, Gen or Pre-Slash, Idiots in Love, Julian Bashir and Elim Garak's Book Club, Julian Bashir's Alien Fetish, Just Fuck Already, M/M, Mild Slut-Shaming, More high brow humour, Oblivious Elim Garak, Oblivious Julian Bashir, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash, References to Porn, Screenplay/Script Format, Sorry Garak I love you but damn, The Ass and the Load of Salt, Thirsty Elim Garak, Thirsty Julian Bashir, ass jokes, so much thirst, thirst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-21 08:53:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30019257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StellaRivers/pseuds/StellaRivers
Summary: A merchant loaded his ass with a heavy load of salt and headed homeward. They had to cross a river by a shallow ford, which they had done many times before. However, this time, the ass tripped and fell. When the merchant got him back to his feet, much of the salt had melted away and the ass was pleased for the lighter load. The next day, the merchant went for another load of salt and the ass deliberately tripped and fell to lighten his load. Enraged, the merchant turned about and loaded the ass up with sponges. At the river, the ass fell again but this time his load was increased and he had to travel home with a load ten times heavier than before.The same measures will not suit all circumstancesOrNever cut corners when servicing the State
Relationships: Julian Bashir & Elim Garak, Julian Bashir/Elim Garak
Series: Garak's Fables [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2151450
Comments: 10
Kudos: 16





	The Ass and the Load of Salt

**Author's Note:**

> More highbrow literary discussions from these two guys who are Definitely Not Gay For Each Other *wink*. I've increased the rating on this one because of all the stuff at the end that went completely off the rails...again...also, a bit of stuff about the Cardassian State because why not? 
> 
> Enjoy.

Bashir: Hi, Garak! How’s business? 

Garak: Oh…you know…the usual…how’s the infirmary? 

Bashir: It’s…it’s quiet…which I suppose is a good thing really. 

Garak: Really? No traumatised patients who saw more of humanity’s filthy side than they intended? 

Bashir: Oh, not this again… 

Garak: Yes, this again. If I didn’t know better, my _dear_ doctor, I’d say you were setting me up. 

Bashir: *unconvincingly innocent* Whatever for? 

Garak: I think you know I’m going to look up whatever animal you throw at me in the Federation archives and due to your twisted sense of humour, you deliberately make me read fables with animals whose names are double entendres. 

Bashir: I can’t possibly imagine what you’re… 

Garak: You know what I’m talking about, Doctor. 

Bashir: Well, I…maybe… 

Garak: And I can’t possibly imagine what your motive for making me view such lewd sexual content could be…

Bashir: *extremely quickly* No motive! 

Garak: I see. 

Bashir: I just…I’m just messing with you, that’s all. 

Garak: Of course you are. 

Bashir: It’s the type of thing friends do! We play jokes on each other! But it’s ok because at the end of the day we’re just messing around and it doesn’t do anyone any harm. 

Garak: I see. So, your constantly leading me towards human pornography is nothing more than a harmless joke? 

Bashir: *unconvincingly* Of course not! It’s…it’s just a joke! I’ll stop doing it! 

Garak: Well, if it’s _just_ a joke, I suppose there’s no real harm done…

Bashir: No…no there isn’t. 

Garak: So, speaking of asses… 

Bashir: Oh, God… 

Garak: Speaking of asses…this one provided a rather poor service to its master…. 

Bashir: Of course it’s about service… 

Garak: One could even say it was too wet and slippery to be useful. 

Bashir: Would you mind awfully if I slunk away and died of embarrassment? 

Garak: It’s your own fault. 

Bashir: I know, I know, and I’m sorry! Can we get back to the fable? Pretty please? 

Garak: Oh, how can I resist you when you beg me? 

Bashir: Um…yes…so…anyway, you can’t possibly have missed the point of this one! 

Garak: Absolutely not! Although I wouldn’t have expected a human story to contain such a strong message about service to the State. 

Bashir: …What? 

Garak: Clearly, the merchant represents the State and the ass represents a lazy or ungrateful citizen who tries to cut corners in their service and gets their comeuppance. 

Bashir: That’s…that’s not…surely you can’t think that’s what a human author meant by that story. 

Garak: Well, I’ll admit that it doesn’t fit in with the current model of Earth society, but as you’ve told me, these stories were written a very long time ago. I would assume they were also written in a society resembling our Cardassian State. 

Bashir: I honestly wouldn’t know. History isn’t exactly my strong suit. But the message of this story is supposed to be that the same measures don’t suit all circumstances. I thought you of all people could appreciate that. 

Garak: I haven’t the faintest idea what you could be talking about. 

Bashir: Well, let me put it this way: when servicing the State, the same…tactics…don’t work in every situation. 

Garak: Now, what _tactics_ could a plain, simple tailor like myself possibly have any use for, hmm? 

Bashir: Let’s just say, if you have a rude customer, staring at them until they crack and apologise won’t always work. You might have to use a few more…forceful measures to extract an apology. 

Garak: My dear, I don’t stare at my customers to get them to apologise for rudeness…that would be unnecessarily cruel. I simply make their clothing out of inferior fabric, stich it shoddily and size it incorrectly. Sometimes, I even overcharge them if I’m in a particularly bad mood. 

Bashir: Oh, well, I’d better stay on your good side, then! 

Garak: I might make your next uniform so it will fall apart before you even leave my shop if you make me watch any more human pornography. 

Bashir: Are you saying you’ll fix it so my clothes fall off in your shop if I make you watch any more porn? 

Garak: It’s an act of malice, nothing more, I assure you. 

Bashir: *quietly* That’s a shame… 

Garak: I’m sorry, my dear doctor, I didn’t quite catch that. 

Bashir: I said I’d be ashamed…to be seen…naked…in your shop…in front of…the entire promenade… 

Garak: *licks his lips* Yes, I imagine that would be most embarrassing for you… 

Bashir: Especially if you stared at me too… 

Garak: I just told you I find that unnecessarily cruel. 

Bashir: So you wouldn’t even peek? 

Garak: Certainly not! I’ve seen enough naked humans recently to last a lifetime. 

Bashir: I suppose that is technically my fault… 

Garak: It’s absolutely your fault! 

Bashir: And your idea of punishing me for making you look at naked humans is to make me a uniform that will fall off and leave me, a human, naked right in front of you? 

Garak: I wouldn’t look. By the time it fell off, I’d already be in my back room. 

Bashir: What if I followed you? 

Garak: Into my back room? Naked? 

Bashir: Well…um…it’s less embarrassing than being naked in front of the entire promenade. 

Garak: *eyeing up Bashir* Only marginally. 

Bashir: What’s that supposed to mean!? 

Garak: I’m sure I could make the experience most mortifying for you. 

Bashir: But then you’d have to look at me. 

Garak: I’m sure I could get in several cutting remarks without actually looking at you. 

Bashir: I don’t think you could resist a quick peek. 

Garak: Don’t flatter yourself, my dear Doctor. 

Bashir: *sighs dramatically* You’re not the only one around here who thinks I’m not worth looking at. 

Garak: Oh, spare me! There isn’t a woman on this station who hasn’t seen you in the nude and, if rumour is to be believed, several of the men too. 

Bashir: Well, not _every_ woman…it couldn’t possibly be…with the way people are always coming and going from this place… 

Garak: I see. 

Bashir: Look, Garak, if I want to get _nude_ in front of every moderately attractive alien who comes through this place, that’s my decision. 

Garak: I don’t recall mentioning anything about aliens. 

Bashir: Well…I…uh…the majority of people who pass through here are aliens…to me, anyway…and to you, I suppose…so, if I’m looking for someone to…uh…get…nude…with…there’s a high probability they’ll be an alien. 

Garak: I see. 

Bashir: Stop saying that! 

Garak: Well, Doctor, this discussion has been most _enlightening_ but I must be returning to my shop. 

Bashir: Yes, I suppose I should be returning to the infirmary. How about we discuss a less suggestive fable next week? 

Garak: I think that would be wise. Good day to you, Doctor.

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully, the next one will be a bit more focused and a bit less sexually charged...probably not but we can live in hope.


End file.
